Therapy, I Hardly Know Her (Actually I Know Her Really Well)

00:05
Julia
Welcome back to That's What They Said, an educationally conversational podcast where we address all the things that aren't in the college brochure.

00:12
Kieran
Episode six.

00:14
Julia
It's true.

00:16
Kieran
I was listening to the last episode. We were like, episode four.

00:19
Julia
Yeah. We did the exact same thing every time.

00:21
Kieran
Yeah. So that made me laugh. But episode six, can't believe that we're almost at 10 full episodes. Like, that's 10 full weeks of the pod. Like, I know that's not small or that is small, but that's like 10 full weeks of doing this.

00:31
Julia
And come to find out, it actually.

00:33
Kieran
Is a lot of work to write.

00:35
Julia
Do, like, fill or. Okay.

00:38
Kieran
Right. And I was saying that.

00:40
Julia
That's what I always say.

00:42
Kieran
That's what they said.

00:42
Julia
Right. It is a lot of work to, like, set up the sound and record the podcast. And then the next day I edit the podcast, which I'm always like, oh, It'll take me 20 minutes. It never does. It's an hour.

00:52
Kieran
Never takes 20 minutes. Right.

00:54
Julia
And then send off podcast for Drew to do the transcript, shout out, drew, love you. Then we have to, like, fill out all these forms and, like, do all this stuff and then. And then we have to freaking wait till Friday for it to come out so we can listen to it. It's just like, I don't know. And we're just talking about we need to get on our social media grind because we have not been doing that. And that's like, the whole point of doing this is, like, to interview students and put it on our social media. So anyway, stay tuned for next week and. And yes, stay tuned for next week.

01:22
Kieran
Yes. Yeah. Today's episode is about mental health especially. I feel like with exams coming up, we are all reaching the point where we're going to start trialing and airing our mental health techniques.

01:34
Julia
Right. And also because daylight savings occurred yesterday and we've had this conversation before. That is like a major, like, point in my mental health journey. Well, my seasonal mental health journey. Right.

01:50
Kieran
Well, would you like to start with our annual, usual, traditional, weekly, High Low Buffalo.

01:58
Julia
Sure.

01:58
Kieran
Post Halloween.

01:59
Julia
Yeah, we'll do. Let's do a Halloween themed one since we're not, like, doing it how we can recap. Okay.

02:04
Kieran
Of course.

02:05
Julia
Hi. Hey.

02:08
Kieran
Hello.

02:09
Julia
Right. Okay, so let me give you, like, a little bit of a look at what I did over how we can. So I'm ready. I got to Chapel Hill Thursday, and I went to my siblings campus ministry, which is the sister campus ministry of mine here at NC State, and my sibling was leading the program. So did that. Chatted with all my girls. I'm friends with all the people that are part of that ministry. So it was lit. And then after that we returned home with some of the girlies.

02:32
Kieran
And by the girlies, I don't mean.

02:34
Julia
The girlies, the girls, you know, Satchel. Oh, Satchel, Yes. So Satchel and Grace Davidson and my sibling. And so then we're all getting ready, changing into our costumes, and then what do we do? Oh, went to a party put on by the people of the campus ministry that are the most lit parties I've ever been to.

02:58
Kieran
Oh my God.

02:58
Julia
Like, I have never been more like lit than I am at those Halloween parties. So that was fun. I like, took halloweekend chill this year. But anyway, so that was Thursday night and then Friday I spent all day cleaning and baking because my sibling and their roommates were hosting a little like something. Something like it was like a stop by trick or treat thing before you go out to your next party. So it started at 7 and it ended at like 9:30, but it ended later than that. But so that was really fun to have all the people in the house eating all the stuff that I had made. It was really cute. I posted some of the pictures I saw. It was really.

03:32
Kieran
I saw they ate.

03:33
Julia
Yeah. And then Saturday. What did we do? Sorry, I was just looking at the document and you said "seasonal depresson".

03:42
Kieran
Right.

03:43
Julia
So. Hey. Okay.

03:45
Kieran
Anyway, I've never been one to say that I was good at spelling and.

03:47
Julia
Or grammar. No. And I. I can. I feel.

03:51
Kieran
Yeah, I feel that way too. I feel that way too.

03:53
Julia
Yeah.

03:54
Kieran
Let's continue. Okay.

03:56
Julia
Okay. Then Saturday, went to a coffee shop and then we came home and Frank got like, arrived and we like, worked. We were chill. And also I hadn't. Our whole friend group hadn't been together in a long time. And by like 2pm we had all cried at least once because we had like walked through every single thing that has occurred in our lives since we last saw each other. There were. There were multiple. I've got to update you on. On we'll talk. There are multiple breakups that have happened. Like multiple mental health crisises. Like, you know, people are like, I'm gonna take off next semester from college. Like, it's. A lot of stuff has occurred. Not me though. I'm not doing that.

04:36
Kieran
No, of course not.

04:37
Julia
Because I would never be.

04:38
Kieran
We're academic weapons.

04:38
Julia
Right, Right.

04:40
Kieran
Right. Mom, if you're listening to this, I'm doing really well in all my classes.

04:45
Julia
Yes, I Am actually, I'm doing better than I thought I was going to be doing at this point in the semester.

04:50
Kieran
So no, I'm doing well as well. I mean, like, once again, I'm the boy who cries wolf. I am taking seven classes. I get it. All right? I'm a pick me.

04:56
Julia
Leave me alone.

04:57
Kieran
Actually, I hope not. But I like, I'm actually holding it together. Although I'm really mad at my lab right now because when I uploaded the PDF from my lab, it only took the first three pages of the seven page document. So I got a 60 on my lab because it says that I didn't turn down the other four pages. And I was like, drop my grade down by 10 points. I said, oh, right. So this is where I drop out. So I'm working really hard to bring that back up right now. But anyhow, you got that finishing your High Low Buffalo Halloween recap, right?

05:23
Julia
Okay, so let me do the actual high. I think one of my highs was the sibling party that was hosted. And then I think everybody else went out after that. I stayed home and ordered sup dogs. And it was. I like, clean. Like, while I was waiting for my food to get there, I cleaned the entire house. I took a shower, I got my pajamas. It's like 1am My food arrives, I chow down, I go to sleep.

05:47
Kieran
It was like so.

05:49
Julia
It was so late because I was like, I need my cozy time. Like, I like going out, but as soon as I get out, I'm like, wow, I can't wait to go back in.

05:56
Kieran
Yeah.

05:58
Julia
My low. Oh, my God. We also went contra dancing. I forgot to say. Oh, my God.

06:03
Kieran
Oh, I saw.

06:04
Julia
Yes. Saw my girls. I had a really good waltz with Jonathan. That's who I was dancing with. I love that little guy. Anyway, my low. I don't know, maybe all of us crying because everybody's going through their ringer this. This time of the year.

06:20
Kieran
But the full semester, October through November is like really like the trial and errors of life. I feel like it is. We don't talk about that enough.

06:27
Julia
It's a lot. My buffalo is that I was a cat as my costume for Thursday. No, I just actually turned into a cat for Thursday night.

06:37
Kieran
Right. You transformed, right? Focus. Right, Binks.

06:40
Julia
Binks.

06:44
Kieran
Love that movie.

06:45
Julia
You slay me.

06:46
Kieran
Thank you.

06:47
Julia
So I was a cat Thursday night and then Friday night I was my mermaid costume, which ate, by the way, so good.

06:53
Kieran
I jaw dropped. Jaw on. I actually openly mouthed, liked that story.

06:59
Julia
I.

06:59
Kieran
Well, well, I didn't open. I didn't like it. With my open mouth. But, like, my jaw did drop when I saw, like, okay, I liked your costume.

07:06
Julia
Thank you.

07:06
Kieran
That's all I was trying to get out.

07:08
Julia
It took me forever to make it. I spent lots of evenings sewing that thing because I. Sewing that thing because I made it myself. So it took me a while and then I was. Oh, a pink Pilates princess for Thursday night. Or not Thursday night.

07:23
Kieran
That is so Saturday night. Funny, because. Did you see.

07:26
Julia
Let me show you a picture.

07:27
Kieran
Like the Spotify thing.

07:28
Julia
Yeah. Okay. This is another thing that I'd be posting on my spam all the time is that my Spotify daylists are evil. The one the other night it was, oh, other morning thinking about him. Softcore Sunday morning girl.

07:44
Kieran
Be so for real.

07:45
Julia
Like, I. I don't need that right now. You know, like, okay, here's my pink Pilates princess outfit. Do you like?

07:51
Kieran
Oh, my God, I love it.

07:52
Julia
It was because I. That's what I wore to contra dancing because I was like, oh, I could just wear my athleisure. Yeah.

07:58
Kieran
And that is slay, like pony club.

08:00
Julia
Right. Pink pony club. Like, I was comfy and that made me happy. So anyway, that's my high low Buffalo.

08:05
Kieran
My Spotify daylist right now is surf rock, psychedelic indie morning or indie Monday morning.

08:12
Julia
Yes. Wait, I want to see what mine is right this second. Sometimes it's just like, one of mine.

08:17
Kieran
Was like, car ride morning Sunday morning.

08:22
Julia
Right. Like, and then it's like, because you listen to blah, blah. See, mine right now is sad girl songwriter Monday early morning because you listen to songwriter sad girl. Surprise. Slowpop. Napping and bedtime. What do you mean? What do you mean? I listen to napping in bedtime.

08:37
Kieran
It's like those like, ASMR things where it's like, asmr, I am in your hair, but I am also dancing. And also the sun is rising on a Tuesday morning. And also food AI chat generated JoJo Siwa.

08:47
Julia
Yeah. Yeah.

08:49
Kieran
Oh, my God. So that makes me laugh. Anyway, anyhow, my high low buffalo to, like, very fastly recap my weekend before I go into it. Right, Right. Thursday I ended up not going out.

09:00
Julia
Did you went to John Legend, right?

09:02
Kieran
I did go to John Legend. John Legend was so good, it was crazy. Some girl ended up like, working on John Legend at one point. Wild.

09:08
Julia
Hey, hope to be her. We've all been there.

09:10
Kieran
Yeah, I've been there, done that.

09:11
Julia
Mr. Old news.

09:12
Kieran
Like, that's so last year. That was really cool. My best friend Sarah ended up staying at my Apartment. But then leaving at 6am in the morning the next day. Cause she didn't want to drive back to UNC because my apartment's like 10 minutes from red Hat, which is where the thing was. And then Friday I went to UNC to go out. And went out to go out, get outside. And my Irish. We went out, like, went to unc, not unc. We went to frat houses and like a house party and, like, danced and.

09:47
Julia
Yeah, it's cool.

09:48
Kieran
I read it with some people.

09:49
Julia
Did you go to North Street?

09:50
Kieran
Yeah, the North Hill or whatever.

09:52
Julia
North Street?

09:52
Kieran
Yes.

09:53
Julia
It's the. The party house. Yeah, one of the party house. My friends were there.

09:57
Kieran
Oh, I didn't see them. I was like, they're like, somewhat close to when it started. Like when the music.

10:01
Julia
They were there, like later in the.

10:03
Kieran
Yeah, no, I was gone by that point. But I saw some people that I hadn't seen because they go to UNC and like, so it was good to see them. And then I Friday night went to Legends, which is a gay club in Raleigh for those who do not know, with some of my good friends and their friends from another college. So that was really fun.

10:23
Julia
Wasn't that Saturday night?

10:24
Kieran
That was Saturday night. What did I say?

10:25
Julia
Friday, right?

10:26
Kieran
Friday I did not do that. Friday I went to unc.

10:28
Julia
Right.

10:28
Kieran
Saturday is when I went out to lunch, right? Sunday was a rest day where I sat within myself, right? Just, like, reflected on life.

10:36
Julia
Can I just say something? This year's Halloween ended Sunday morning. All of my friends sitting around a table discussing if we're too unc to be doing this anymore. No, because. Because we're like, we. Three nights of partying in a row, we wake up Sunday morning and we're all dead. Like, everybody was walking to the house. Like, Frank was wearing this tiny crop top and these sweatpants that don't belong to him. Like, everybody's makeup is, like, still in their face. Our hair's sticky, my bangs are sticking straight out.

11:02
Kieran
And we're just like, are we too unc to be doing this? Like this?

11:06
Julia
Are we tired?

11:08
Kieran
We are tired.

11:08
Julia
We are tired. But are we like, ir? Like, are we chopped and unc and tired? Like, I know we're not chopped. I, for one, am not chopped.

11:15
Kieran
Did you see someone who on TikTok asked, chopped unc for how long?

11:19
Julia
I texted my friends a few weeks ago. I was like, what if one of us was chopped and one of us was unc?

11:22
Kieran
Like, that's so funny. Someone went as a chopped unc. Like, they were a shirt that said unc and then they had like a knife going through their head. Right.

11:29
Julia
Funny.

11:29
Kieran
I was like, that's a little funny, actually.

11:30
Julia
Anyway, my high, low buffalo from that.

11:34
Kieran
My high was that, honestly, nothing went like wrong.

11:39
Julia
Right?

11:39
Kieran
Like, which is a miracle when you're.

11:41
Julia
Going out that many nights in a row.

11:42
Kieran
Like, but like, between going out all the things we did, like, there is some stuff where I like did get stranded at one point in a sorority house, which was like, all been there. Yeah, I've been there, done that. But like, everything went well. Like, I actually had fun. Like, there's nothing that I was like, oh man, like, that really sucked and I have some damages to repair. Like, everything, like, everything went fine. Like, there was really nothing. If anything went sideways, it was like fixed like by the end of the night. So, like, it was fine. My low is that my calves hurt so much because I was in these knee high boots that I decided not to break in before I wore them. And so I walked like over a mile in those boots at unc.

12:14
Kieran
And that was the dumbest decision I've done ever made. Cause my calves, like, I ended up getting a charley horse like at three in the morning. And I about like died. I about like actually rolled out of the bed and just like submitted to my injuries. So that was a little bit like life resetting. I felt like someone hit the reset button on my computer. But it's in my soul.

12:32
Julia
I got. I got blisters on the bottom of my feet because I didn't. I didn't bring my dancing shoes. So I was wearing my socks. And that always gives me blisters, like on the bottom of my toes. And it's like, okay, so how am I supposed to walk with that going on? Right.

12:44
Kieran
Correct. I'm actually gonna add like a side dash slash a comma to this. So in specific, I wear those knee high boots. And were walking away from the North Hill house, actually, or whatever.

12:54
Julia
North Street.

12:54
Kieran
North Street. Thank you. I don't know why I keep calling North Hill North Street House. And you know, like when you're parking, there's like those little concrete things that like stop the car or whatever. So there's some of those because they like have ones that you just like place like on the gravel to mark like where cars could be.

13:06
Julia
Yeah.

13:06
Kieran
And I tried to walk over, but my heel, the way, like the boot, the way that it like went up it, like the inside part between like the actual heel and where my foot was, got caught on top of the concrete thing. And I just, like, eat it into the gravel. But another, like, parenthesis to that is that I had forgot to pack shorts and I was wearing a dress.

13:23
Julia
And so I was like, you're hoohaw.

13:25
Kieran
As I was going down, I like, put one hand out, one hand on the back, and I'm like, laying on the ground, like, looking around. Like, did anybody like, because I fell between two cars. So luckily I just was like, okay, I just like landed on my back really awkwardly. But it was. I got up and like, the next day, my. Both my knees have, like, dark blue purple bruises on them. Scrapes down my leg. I was like, okay, so I fell one time. Like, I don't.

13:45
Julia
Right. Why dramatic?

13:46
Kieran
Like, why are my legs just like, oh my God. Like, I just. It feels like I stubbed my toe and I, like, broke my wrist.

13:50
Julia
Yeah.

13:51
Kieran
Like, I just. I was like, what if week? Okay. Is my body is just like, really dramatic? I don't really know. Or maybe it's worse than I remember. I don't really remember, but I was like, okay, my buffalo is that. At one point at unc, I just walked to Canes by myself. And it was so good.

14:06
Julia
Yeah.

14:06
Kieran
I met these, like, random people who were hating on NC State business school without knowing who. I like that I went, they always do that.

14:13
Julia
They talk to you like, there's.

14:14
Kieran
No way you would be in NC State business school.

14:17
Julia
And then they're like, so, yeah, I actually am doing business administration with a concentration of human resources. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry.

14:23
Kieran
Like, that's exactly what happened. They were like, because they were talking about. I forget how we got on the topic, but it was like, it naturally came up business at NC State, right? And they're like, oh, like, do you go here? And I was like, no, I go to state. And they're like, oh, like, how is it? I was like, yeah, it's fine.

14:36
Julia
Like, whatever.

14:36
Kieran
And they're like, yeah, like, I heard, like, the business, it like, sucks. Like, thank God you, like, people don't do like, blah. And I was like, oh, what do you major in, by the way? I was like, business. Well, we have to go, but it's been so good meeting you.

14:47
Julia
And I was like, I'm gonna eat.

14:49
Kieran
My box combo now with my extra toast, no slaw.

14:51
Julia
Right? If you, if you are saying that stuff and you can't back it up when I tell you I'm in the business school, then back it up then. Then you like, I don't Want to hear what you have to say? Like, if you can't, it's like all bark, no bite, you can't back it up, then it doesn't count. Like, I. I just. That's so annoying.

15:08
Kieran
I'm sure they were also probably not in their right normal state of mind.

15:11
Julia
As soon as it was halloweekend.

15:13
Kieran
Right, at like 1am on a Friday. I think all bets are off the table. But I was just like, okay. But I thought it was funny. I just like went into canes and I got myself a box combo extra toast, no slaw. And it was great.

15:25
Julia
I love them.

15:26
Kieran
And that concludes my high low buffalo of the halloweekend in 2025.

15:29
Julia
And slay. We just hit 15 minutes and 15 seconds.

15:32
Kieran
Oh my God. Us. Let me time manage.

15:36
Julia
Yeah, and that's what I always say, right.

15:39
Kieran
In my bio, actually it says, quote, so today we're talking about mental health as we addressed at the beginning and as you're probably reading on the title.

15:48
Julia
Right.

15:48
Kieran
Me and I did.

15:50
Julia
Wait, did you like the title of the Halloween episode, How to Slay Halloween?

15:52
Kieran
Yeah, that made me laugh. Good. I love reading the descriptions because I always forget that, like, we stay on topic of what we're like. We always talk about the main, like, gist of the episode for like a chunk. And then at the end it's just like, all bets are off the table. And so it's like reading the description, it's like, okay, yeah, talking about like, oh, okay, Google Calendar alert. And it's like, okay, it's like, you know, like we're talking about like mental health. And then it's like. And then we're talking about banana bread and the spoon size.

16:14
Julia
Okay, all right.

16:16
Kieran
Reading that, I was probably just like, okay. Anyhow, I still stand by that. I actually talked about someone talked to someone about that a few times because of that episode. And I still stand by what I said. So anyhow, any who. So as we had just kind of briefly touched on the whole reason we started this podcast was because me and Julia had the pleasure of not having a fantastic first year mental health wise, socially, academically, emotionally comparing it to the college stereotype and. Or what they do in the movies. We were in fact the nerd with the glasses of the ponytail who had no friends, but also was somehow failing.

16:59
Julia
Right. So everything was going.

17:01
Kieran
No, I can't say it was. And so, you know, especially going into the er, we thought that it might be of interest for people to kind of hear our. Our story. Our testimony. Our testimony docu series we're like, I just didn't even know. You wouldn't have ever guessed that she was struggling. She was just so happy at school.

17:19
Julia
It's always the happiest ones who are.

17:21
Kieran
Struggling the most inside. And that's how I felt all last year. I was like, nobody knows my pain except for everyone because it's so obvious.

17:28
Julia
So. Yeah.

17:28
Kieran
Would you like to start your recap or would you like to go?

17:32
Julia
I guess I can go.

17:33
Kieran
Okay. Set the scene for us. Act one, scene one. August. August 2024.

17:39
Julia
Okay. I was like, oh, gee, I'm. I'm going off to school. Wow. Yes.

17:45
Kieran
I'm a picturing a little stick figure of you. Like, yay.

17:50
Julia
So I get to school. School. And my mommy, my daddy, and my best friend Frank. Oh, wait, he was on the last episode. You guys know Frank.

17:57
Kieran
That was so fun. By the way, shout out Frank. He's miss you already. Please come back.

18:00
Julia
Yes. Oh, they dropped me off at school and I, like, moved in and I met my roommate. We had, like, met on Instagram, which is like a whole thing. The roommate thing is a whole different conversation.

18:13
Kieran
We'll discuss that when I can't even touch that.

18:15
Julia
Yeah, I had a rough roommate situation anyway, so moved in. It was great. I was like, I feel like I'm going off to summer camp.

18:22
Kieran
Like, yeah, it feels just like summer camp.

18:24
Julia
It does. Like, at least for like the first like three or four weeks. You're like, oh, this is like. Yeah. But then you, like, sinks it like clocks that you're actually living here anyway. Move in. Life is great. Well, I mean, it's fine. Like, yeah, it's just like everything is new and there's no like, comfort anywhere because everything is actually new. Like, going to the dining hall is so scary in the beginning. Like, I don't know. I don't do well with change and transition. Shocker. I like what I know. But like, any. Any tiny change. Like, one thing about me is I eat the exact same thing for breakfast every single morning. Like, I do the exact same routine when I go to bed. Every single. Like, I have.

19:01
Kieran
Me too.

19:02
Julia
Yeah. I'm very routine oriented. So when anything gets changed, it, like, takes me a while to, like, get over it.

19:09
Kieran
Yeah.

19:10
Julia
So it did take me the entire last year to like, actually.

19:13
Kieran
Yeah.

19:13
Julia
Yeah. And then it's time to go back home for summer and then. Yeah, but like, I got used to the change this time. But anyway, so August Slay didn't get into like September and I had some roommate troubles, so I Had to switch rooms, which was, like, a lot on my mental health. I, like, because my, like, the roommate thing was really taking a toll on me. Like, I. Yeah, it was just really stressful, and that was causing my grades to dip. I, like, got, like, a really bad exam grade on the day that I decided that I needed to move out. And I was like, wow, everything in my life is falling apart right now. And, like, I didn't have any friends, really, like, because we, like, we're like. We met, like, that week.

19:55
Kieran
Yeah, we had met, like, the first week of October, I believe.

19:58
Julia
Yeah.

19:58
Kieran
I really. I feel like I remember. I don't know why my start date was October 6th, because I think I had to move my start date, like, three times because I didn't know if I was gonna have the job. And I had a bunch of, like, doctor's appointments. Yeah. Lined up. Because one thing about me and my family is we always, like, all my doctor appointments are always in, like, the same, like, one or two days.

20:15
Julia
Yeah.

20:15
Kieran
They just, like, we just bang them all out. And so I remember that, like, I started, like, that first week and we.

20:20
Julia
Started on the same day, so.

20:22
Kieran
We did. Because I remember we did the training together, and we both just kind of.

20:25
Julia
Like, we're like, what are we doing? Anyway? So that was, like, a lot on my mental health. And I moved into my new room. And then I was like, I have to get, like, I have to become friends with this new roommate again. Come to hang out. We never were friends. I actually had a nightmare about her last night.

20:40
Kieran
Oh, my God.

20:40
Julia
I just, like, dreamed she, like, had. I was, like, on a Zoom meeting that was really important. And she invited, like, four people over to, like, bake a cake in our room. And I was like. I was like, what are you doing? You didn't ask me. Like, f you, like, get out. Like, I was, like, pissed. And I've been having a lot of stress dreams lately. But anyway. But, like, we only had four conversations in the entire, like, seven months we lived together. And we live four feet away from each other. And she always kept the blinds closed. It was always dark in our room. And, like, I was never, like, really fully comfortable in that room because I was like, there's somebody else living here that I don't know at all. And it was like, that was, like, taking a toll on me.

21:19
Julia
And I, like, I don't know. Exams. And then, like, because it was my first round of exams at NC State, so I was like, oh, my God. Like, this is. I didn't have any friends? I was like. I'm, like, losing my mind. And then, oh, daylight savings. Every time. Okay. Seasonal depression hits me so hard. Like, and we've talked about this because yours is the opposite of mine. I get. I get my seasonal depression as soon as daylight savings happens and it gets, like, cold and, like, a little bit gloomy. Like, today is. Is day one. I can already tell you.

21:48
Kieran
Right. I'm the complete opposite, actually, which I have not found many people who are the opposite.

21:52
Julia
You're so unique.

21:53
Kieran
I'm just not like other girls.

21:54
Julia
Right.

21:55
Kieran
I think it's because my body also doesn't know what homeostasis is. I'm, like, constantly, like, my body temperature is never the same, But I don't get seasonal depression, like, winter depression. I get summer depression, like, when it's hot and sunny. And, like, that's theory. In theory, when everyone, like, thrives, and it's like, yeah, that's why I thrive. Be with the world and all these experiences. You can do whatever you want. But I hate it because I. I get hot really easily. I just, like, overheat really fast. And so I hate the summer because I, like, growing up, I always did a lot of stuff, so it didn't bothers me as much. But then by the time I got to high school, like, during the school year, I was doing so much.

22:28
Kieran
Like, at one point, I was working three jobs, and I was volunteering, and I was in, like, three clubs, and I was the president of something. So, like, I was always somewhere doing something or had some responsibility. And then summer hits, and I. All of it is gone. So I would just be bored out of my mind because I would just be sitting at home. Like, I literally can't sit in my apartment or at home for more than one day. Like, I have to have something to do at least once a day. Like, and that's usually not even enough. Like, so I just. I could just get so depressed over the summer because I'm hot and I can never find a pair of shorts that fit me. So I just wear.

23:00
Julia
Oh, my God.

23:01
Kieran
I wear pants all summer.

23:02
Julia
My thighs, chafe. So bad.

23:04
Kieran
It's at the point where if I wear shorts for one day, my thighs are bleeding by the end of it, which is, like, a whole other thing to address.

23:09
Julia
It's tough being a baddie.

23:11
Kieran
It is like, thick thighs save lives, but it's not saving mine.

23:13
Julia
It's, like, saving everybody else's lives except mine.

23:15
Kieran
Like, and obviously, I'm not embarrassed of the fact that I have thicker thighs. I Don't care. Like, I think it's part of who I am as a person. Like, I was thinking about it the other day, too. I was like, you know, this is the boss body that my genes, like, create.

23:27
Julia
Like, I. I was made in the way that I was meant to be. Yeah.

23:30
Kieran
Like, I am here because of the way that DNA forms and, like, combines together and my version of who I am and how my DNA came together. Part of that is my me having thicker thighs. Like, that's just genetically. Like, I eat very healthily. Like, not very healthy.

23:44
Julia
Healthy, healthy.

23:45
Kieran
There it is. Like, I meal prep every week. Like, growing up, like, were not allowed to have any sweet treats on the week, so I would only ever eat something sweet, like, on the weekends. Like, my parents were always. Like, there's always gonna be a fruit or vegetable. Like, and I also just like. Like, I just. I ate pretty well as a kid, and, like, I always was bigger. Like, all I have to say is summer just sucks for me because I just sweat all the time and, like, my thighs are always shaving, so I never go outside. And, like, I. Everyone's traveling, so I just never have anyone to hang out with. And then it's just like, the pool. It's like, all room temp because it's warm outside. And I just hate.

24:17
Kieran
I don't like summer and I struggle and I get depressed, but most people I feel like, get the winter because it's cold and, like, yeah, I don't know. I just like that the snuggle and like, let's spawn by a fire, guys. Like, let's drink hot cocoa and prance in the snow.

24:31
Julia
I like that too. But I didn't have any friends last year, so.

24:34
Kieran
So, yeah, you're right.

24:35
Julia
Literally, in August, I was like, I already know it's gonna be probably the worst seasonal depression I've ever had this year because I, like, just.

24:41
Kieran
It's just. It's just.

24:42
Julia
It just is because I was already, like, my. My brain was weak from the whole transition thing and all the roommate stuff. And then I get to see, and I was like, wow, so this is actually awful. I actually hate it here. So anyway, so then. So when my whole, like, panic situation started is it was Thanksgiving. I went home for Thanksgiving. I hosted friendsgiving, and I got the stomach bug. And I got the stomach bug like that the night that I got back to school. And so I was on commission for, like, a week. And I. I have emetaphobia, come to find out, so.

25:18
Kieran
Which is the fear of Throwing up. Right. Or the fear of throw up itself or both.

25:21
Julia
Both. Okay, So I. It took me, not even joking, months to, like, mentally recover from the fact that I threw up. A singular time, which is, like, I was so embarrassed that I had that issue.

25:37
Kieran
Yeah.

25:38
Julia
But now I'm just like, what?

25:39
Kieran
Like, I just is what.

25:40
Julia
It just is what it is. And I'm like, it's not my fault. It just is what it is. I've always been like that. Even when I was younger, I, like, had the same thing. I, like, would just. I'm not gonna because I'll get anxious.

25:49
Kieran
Yeah.

25:50
Julia
Anxious.

25:50
Kieran
I'm like that with other random. Like, I, like, there was a point in time where people. And they said the word nibble to me. I would hide under the table. I hate that I could actually throw up. I hate that word so much. Oh, my God. Someone found that out about me and said it for, like, so many times. Like, they started saying it, and I got to, like, time number five, and I was hiding under a table, rocking back and forth. I hate. I. I hate that word. I hate that word so much.

26:16
Julia
That is good to know.

26:17
Kieran
I actually have to stand. Like, leave. Oh, my God. It actually, like, you can't see me right now, but I'm like, literally, it's hiding.

26:24
Julia
It's hiding over there. I. I won't say. I will say. It's good to know in case I ever, like, accidentally said that. Ed was.

26:31
Kieran
I was just trying to relate, but I'm like, actually, I'll keep talking, and.

26:36
Julia
You take some time. Give me one second. As you can see, neither of us are mentally healthy at the moment. What? We haven't ever. I haven't been mentally stable in a long time anyway, so that I was, like, dealing. I got over the stomach bug, but I. It had made me, like, really, like, my brain was already weak from the whole Everything else, and so that anxiety just, like, grabbed a hold of me, and I was just so anxious. Like, I was not eating because I was, like, any sensation in my stomach. I was like, oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.

27:08
Kieran
Yeah.

27:08
Julia
Like, from. I'm. I'm, like, for, like, two or three months, I was not eating, and I lost so much weight, and I was like. I. Like, I did not like losing weight because I. I love the way my body looks. Yeah. Because I'm. I'm also a. Thick thighs save lives.

27:23
Kieran
Yes.

27:24
Julia
Curvy baddie. But I love the way I look, and I love my body. And I was losing weight, and I was like, I don't like, this. Like, this is not me. Like, because I love to eat, y'all. And so I wasn't eating. I was like, what the freak is going on? Like, I. I can't make myself eat, and I love to eat. So there's a problem here. So I. I got, like, home from winter break, and it was the awful holiday season. Like, I couldn't think about anything else except the fact that I was anxious about eating. And so then I got back to school in January. I, like, before coming back to school, I was like, I don't want to come back. Like, I was crying all the time. I was like, I can't go back. I don't have any friends.

27:55
Julia
I'm, like, so anxious. I don't want to leave my room. Like, blah, blah. So I get back to school for the, like, two weeks. I was, like, so anxious all the time. Like, and then I got on medication for my anxiety, and I had a really bad reaction to it, and it made me more anxious than I've ever been in my life. And I was having panic attacks. It was. It was terrifying. I, like, had panic attacks before, but I was having them, like, consistently, like, throughout the day. Like, I was in a constant state of panic. And I, like, got to the point where, like, I was in my room and I could not leave my room. I would wake up and just sob for hours. Hours. And it was. It was so scary.

28:30
Julia
I was so scared of myself and, like, my brain. And I was like, I can't control it. I don't know what's wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. I'm causing this for myself, but I don't know how to stop it. And, like, I. I'm bad at victim blaming myself. Like, I'm like, I'm the problem. I'm doing something that's.

28:44
Kieran
Like, there could never be an outside force. It's something, right?

28:47
Julia
It's something I'm doing. It's like, a choice that I feel this way. It's like, you know, whatever. So then I was crying so bad. Like, I couldn't leave my room, wasn't eating. You know the classics. So then my sibling had to skip class on a Wednesday and drive me home. And I was like, I need my mommy. So that I got home and my mommy took care of me, and she, like, hooked me up with a good psychiatrist and a good therapist and love those girls. And I got on better medication, and I went back to school, and I was doing therapy, and it was still hard for the rest of the semester, and it was still hard all summer, and it's still hard now. But I tried. I tried so hard.

29:26
Julia
I, like, forced myself to, like, go out to things and to socialize.

29:31
Kieran
And I.

29:31
Julia
Like, one of the reasons why I was, like, so anxious, I was like, there's nothing for me at school. Like, I don't have any friends. I'm not passionate about what I'm doing. I, like, it's like, I don't know how to find friends. Like, so I get back to school, and that's when I texted you, and I was like, do you want to come over for Indian food and watch Sex and the City?

29:46
Kieran
I cannot even explain to you how that made me feel, which I'll talk about in a second, but.

29:49
Julia
Right.

29:50
Kieran
That meant more than I think you'll ever know.

29:52
Julia
Well, because I was, like. I was, like, embarrassed to do that, but I was like, I need friends. Like, I am actually miserable here, and I don't want to be here. And so I was like, I need to. I just.

30:04
Kieran
Put your foot out.

30:04
Julia
Well, I just have to, like, just try, at least. I have to try. So I texted you that, and then we hung out, and then I started texting other people, like, do you want to do this? You want to do that? Like, and I was pushing myself to go to things and, like, do things, and it was hard. And sometimes I, like, had bad days that I still had panic attacks, but it would be like. Like, it would be a few days in between panic attacks, so then it would be a week, and then it'd be multiple. And then I, like, hadn't had a panic attack in a while. And then. And then I was, like, getting better, and I was, like, eating again and, like, enjoying the eating, which is like, yes, thank the Lord, because I love to eat.

30:37
Julia
So, like, you know, I, like, it was just really hard. And it's still hard sometimes. Like, I. Anytime I get anxious now, like, when I get really busy, it goes back to me being anxious about eating again.

30:49
Kieran
Yeah.

30:50
Julia
Which is so annoying because then I, like, I need to eat to be strong, to do all the things that I have to do.

30:56
Kieran
So you're just weaker. And then it just. Like, it's an endless. Right.

30:58
Julia
And then when I'm weak, the anxiety can get a hold of me again. And, like, I don't know. And, like, I still have panic attacks sometimes. Like, I had one when I was you. Do you remember when I was on. I told you I was on a date with that guy that, you know, the week long Thing that happened. And. And I had a panic attack at dinner, and I. And he was like, do you, like, want to go? And I was like, no, I'm fine. Like, I. Yeah, I. I'm really bad at. Like, I said, I victim play myself. And I'm super independent, so I'm like, I can take care of it myself. I'm fine. Like, don't look at me. I can do it myself. I don't know.

31:27
Kieran
It's also just, like, embarrassing. It's like, I don't want to ask for help. Like, I just want to be fine. Like, I just, like. Right. It's fine. Just move on. Like, don't.

31:32
Julia
Like, I feel, like, weak. Like, I'm not, like a normal person. I can't function like a normal person. But then my mom's a therapist, by the way, and so she, like, is very helpful in situations such as these. And it took me a while to, like, sink in the fact that I'm not doing this to myself. It's a chemical thing. Yeah. There are a lot of factors in my life that made me so stressed and so anxious just because of all the change that, like. And then the getting sick and, like, the throwing up. Yeah, it just, like. It just. The chemicals got imbalanced in my brain and I was just anxious all the time and my brain couldn't regulate itself. So then I needed medication, and it got me back on track.

32:08
Julia
And then I put in all this work that really got me back on track. And now I, like, have ways to, like, deal with things, like coping mechanisms. Like, you best believe I'm doing some deep breathing, some grounding and some journaling now.

32:19
Kieran
Yeah.

32:20
Julia
But, like, I. I don't know. It took me a while to be kind to myself and give myself grace because I have a really hard time doing that.

32:29
Kieran
Yeah. Well, it's hard because I think also too, like, especially on social media, there's a very fine line of. Between advocating for yourself and, like, being real and honest versus doing it for, like, attention or trauma dumping or, like, things like that. So it's. It's hard. Especially, like, because I feel like that's become a lot more of a conversation even within the past, like, five years. Especially, I think, even with, like, I think it was a thing growing up. But, like, when COVID hit, that is when, like, really mental health became, like, a huge topic of discussion because everybody.

32:56
Julia
Being shut in was making everybody depressed. Shocker.

32:58
Kieran
Right? Who would've thought, who would've thought. But it just, like, I think it's hard because it's like, I Want to tell someone. And I, like, I've always been. Like, I've gone back and forth between, like, just telling everyone everything and telling nobody anything.

33:08
Julia
Yeah.

33:08
Kieran
So then it's like, okay, well, I can't do either of those.

33:10
Julia
Right. Where's the balance?

33:11
Kieran
Like, trying to find the balance between, like, being honest and open. Be like, today's sucks. Like, I am really upset right now. I'm sad, I'm angry. Like, I just need you guys to bear with me. And then sometimes where it's like, not everybody needs to know, like, you. Maybe today is just a day we put on some headphones and we just, like, sit down and we don't. And we say, hey, how's it going? Okay, good. Like, I'm gonna lock in. Like, just give me. Like, I won't be able to speak because I just need to focus. And, like, that way, it's like, everybody knows to just, like. Yeah, but it's not you being like, I'm sad and depressed and I'm upset, and I need you to give me attention.

33:40
Julia
Right.

33:40
Kieran
Like, you know.

33:42
Julia
Right. Do you wanna. You share yours and then. And then we'll talk about our strategies.

33:47
Kieran
Yes. So I have a very long journey with mental health. Unfortunately, ever since I was little, you know, had anger issues. I've been in therapy since I was five. I'm 19 now, so shout out counseling. I guess it's worked, though.

34:04
Julia
Okay.

34:05
Kieran
Shout out Hannah. That's my therapist. I love her.

34:07
Julia
Have you had the same one this entire time?

34:09
Kieran
So, no. So I started when I was 5, and I saw this girl named Christy. And she is a child. A child therapist. But I saw her until I was, like, maybe 14.

34:20
Julia
Okay.

34:21
Kieran
Which is, like, usually she stops at, like, 10. But I had just seen her for.

34:24
Julia
So she's like, you really need the help.

34:26
Kieran
Right.

34:26
Julia
Right.

34:27
Kieran
I saw her for so long that she just kind of, like, kept seeing me. And, like, I struggled a lot in middle school, but, like, by the time that I, like, got into high school, it was like, I had gotten to a point where I was going, like, every other week. So she. It's fine because I only, like. It's like, I see you, like, twice a week, every week. Like, you know, and then by the time I was, like, 14, 15, maybe. Maybe I'm messing up the timeline on this, but from what I remember, it's like, 14. I was younger in that time Christy left or, like, not. She was just like, you've outgrown. Like, I don't work in this area, like, because I Was just reaching problems and stuff that she just didn't have as much expertise on.

35:01
Julia
Yeah.

35:01
Kieran
Because her focus was, like, elementary school, like, behavioral issues instead of, like, middle school issues.

35:07
Julia
Social issues.

35:07
Kieran
Yeah. And like, actual, like. Like anxiety, depression, like, things like that. Like, her focus was more like, I had severe anger issues when I was little, and I also had severe anxiety, like, whenever my dad would make a wrong turn going somewhere, I thought were dying. Like, I literally thought that was the end of the world because I was like, oh, my God, we took a run to we're gonna die. Like, we're literally all gonna die anyhow, so. And then I saw someone else in between that who I just didn't do well with.

35:29
Julia
Yeah, sometimes you just don't connect.

35:30
Kieran
We just.

35:31
Julia
Okay.

35:31
Kieran
And then I saw Hannah. I started seeing Hannah, my current therapist, when I was like, 17, maybe 16. Going on 17. And I'm with her now. Love her. She's so great. 16 going on 17. Love that song.

35:43
Julia
Let me. I. That's one of my favorite movies. Movies ever.

35:46
Kieran
We need to watch that and eat some Indian soon.

35:48
Julia
Well, yes, we'll talk.

35:50
Kieran
Anyhow, so college. I was very excited about college. I'm a very independent person. I was in girl Scouts, so I did summer camp. Like, sleep away summer camp growing up. I used to go to uncg. I was in band growing up.

36:01
Julia
Okay.

36:02
Kieran
You know, I like to think that I was a kid in band, and I have strong feelings on that, but whatever. I grew up in a very musical household, so, like, my dad plays like, eight instruments, so it was just, like, bound that someone was gonna end up in the band.

36:14
Julia
Well, now your brother's in the band.

36:15
Kieran
This is true. Both of them are. So I did, like, band camp. Like, I went to, like, UNCG for, like, these music camps and, like, whatever.

36:22
Julia
My sibling did that. Really? Yeah.

36:24
Kieran
Oh, I love it. So anyhow, I was used to, like, being away from my parents for periods of time. And, like, I was very independent. I'm very self sufficient. Like, I just. Because I have, like, younger brothers too. Like, wouldn't like parenting. Like, at some point, I had to learn to be sufficient because my parents had, like, other. Well, and with the age gap, like, I was at, like, 10 when my youngest brother was 5. Like, those are two very different stages of life.

36:45
Julia
Ye.

36:45
Kieran
My parents did not neglect me. That is not what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like, you know, like, anyhow, all that to say I was very excited to start college, but very nervous. And then I got to College. And it was so weird because I had a random roommate. I knew nobody at state. I knew a couple people from high school who had gone here, but no one that I was like, really friends with. It was just like, oh, that girl's going to state, right? And I had a random roommate. The first night that I moved in, she brought two of her friends over to the or three of her friends over without telling me because we didn't really know each other. Like all. We hadn't really talked before.

37:17
Julia
So you don't know the rules of.

37:18
Kieran
I don't know the rules. And it's literally night one. Like I had moved in that day. So it's just like, there's no anything yet, right? And this always makes me laugh because I was like, sweatpants, just like shower hair. You know, you put it in a bun and wet around the edges. Like shower hair, no bra, like sweatpants, like sitting, eating ramen, like in fetal position. Like, you know, she walks in with three friends. I'm like, hey, we're all friends now, so it's cool. But you know. So I started in August. Things were fine. Like, I, I don't think I was like jumping for joy, but like summer camp core. Yeah, I was summer camp core. All my classes were like, it was still like syllabus week type.

37:54
Julia
Yeah.

37:55
Kieran
I was out really late though. I think you remember this. I used to be someone who was bad by like 11pm because in high school, like I said, I was really busy. So like I was on a very strict schedule in order to get all of my things done. Came to high school was up to like 2am every night. And then I would wake up at like nine, which was like. So I was still getting like seven hours of sleep because I didn't have any eight 30s or anything. But it was just like I was so off my horse. Like I was like, you know, walking all around campus, going to these restaurants, going to these things, going to random movie nights. Like, I was like, what in the world is happening right now? September came around and this is when things went downhill.

38:29
Kieran
I lost a lot of friends from high school, like, which I never experienced before because when you're in the public school system, you go to the same school with everyone for 13 years for the most part. Like, I, by the time I graduated high school and I had like a graduating class of like almost 800 people. I could have told you who every single person was.

38:44
Julia
I had a graduating class of 60.

38:46
Kieran
Which is crazy to me. I'm sure it's crazy to you that I had 800. My. My school had almost 3,000 people in it.

38:53
Julia
Yes.

38:54
Kieran
My high school. So, like, and like, I literally knew almost every single person who crossed. There was not really anybody who I was like, I've never seen you before in my life. I.

39:01
Julia
Whatever.

39:02
Kieran
And then I got to high school and. Or not high school. I got to college and like, some of my best friends, people who I thought were like my like, ride or dies, like, literally left. Like, they ghosted me. Like, they like. And I, like, was in shambles, like, because I'm very, like, friend oriented. Like, I have never been one to have, like, mass amount of friends, but the people I'm very much like, quality over quantity. Quality over quantity. And so, like, the people I had, like, were people who, like, my personality and my soul was built upon them. Like, you know, and so then I lost all these friends and. And I, like, I just, like, was so sad because, like, I didn't know anyone here enough. So I was like, trying to play the catch up game.

39:38
Julia
Yeah.

39:39
Kieran
So I would, like, meet people like my friend Brady, and I would literally just be like, so this happened, this happened. I'm sad and blah, blah. And then these are all my life stories and these are all my traumas. Okay, so now I have something I want to get your advice on.

39:47
Julia
Right.

39:48
Kieran
Because I, like. And it was just like, crazy because everyone's like, what? But like, everyone's doing it. Like, you're just trying to, like, make someone that you can tell something. And like, I had my best friend Sarah. She was the only person who I was, like, still, like, really friends with. I've known since kindergarten. So I'm like, trying to tell her all this, but she's at unc. She's at a different school having her own sets of whatever. So I'm like, okay, well, I can't tell her everything. Like, like, someone here needs to be able to, like, whatever. So by the time October hit, I was like, so depressed. Like, it was probably one of the worst it's ever been. I was crying every single night. I was like, hyperventilating all the time. I was not eating.

40:21
Kieran
I was only eating saltines and like, ice cream every now and then. And like, it was funny at the time because people were like, hashtag, college, right?

40:28
Julia
But then it's actually like, this is actually really unhealthy.

40:30
Kieran
Like, I hashtag wasn't eating and I lost 40 pounds. Everybody talks about freshman 14 or 15.

40:35
Julia
But mine was like, freshman negative 20.

40:39
Kieran
By December, I had lost 40 pounds.

40:41
Julia
Yep.

40:42
Kieran
Which was great because I was also the heaviest I'd ever been when I came into college. Right. So hashtag yay.

40:48
Julia
But like, hashtag, this isn't right.

40:51
Kieran
And I was walking a bunch and like, my doctors were like, hey, like, great that you're losing the weight, but like, maybe not how you're doing. It is right?

40:56
Julia
Right. Like, let's eat a veggie or fruit here.

40:59
Kieran
But I was just really struggling. Like, I wanted to drop out. I was like looking into schools to transfer to. Like, I did not want to be there at all. And I didn't want to go home because I didn't want to be the person who went home. Yes.

41:10
Julia
I didn't want to be the one that was like, I couldn't do it at like a far away school. So I have to go back home and go to my like, home college.

41:16
Kieran
October was the worst month of my life last year. Like, I was, it was really bad. Like I didn't really have, like I'd started the job and we had just met and then so weren't really like that close to friends yet. And so like, I would literally, like, my days consisted of, wait back, wake up, go to class, come back, go to class, come back to my dorm, eat, go to bed. Like, that was pretty much what I.

41:34
Julia
Was doing every single day.

41:36
Kieran
And I would hang out with like my roommate and her like three friends. Like, those are the only people I was talking to because I was just trying to meet someone that I feel like if I devote all my time to these three people, that in theory they'll be my closest friends. Which in some ways worked because obviously I'm still friends with them now.

41:50
Julia
Right.

41:50
Kieran
But in other ways didn't, because I like, didn't really know who I was because I really wasn't hanging out with that many people. So, like, I just spent all my time with the same.

41:59
Julia
Right.

41:59
Kieran
People. So it's like I would go anywhere else. Like, they weren't in any of my classes, they weren't at my job, they weren't in the activities I was doing. So I was just like, okay, so I still have no one on my day to day basis. I have.

42:08
Julia
Right.

42:09
Kieran
No one. And so I was just, it was really bad. And then November, December came around and I had become much closer friends with Brady at this point. Me and him hung out pretty much every single day. So, like, were really close, talking all the time, like, got a lot of meals together. We started watching snl. Love snl. We started to become closer friends. At this point, I feel like we didn't really hit our peak until over the summer.

42:31
Julia
Yeah.

42:31
Kieran
Or, like, not our peak, but, like, our. We're, like, going downhill from here. Like, our. Like, thick. Like, we're tight until late summer. It's like. But were getting closer. And then I remember we actually was probably January, so then I went home for winter break, and it was better because I was at home. And I reconnected with one of my friends who I had a falling out with in my senior year.

42:55
Julia
Ian.

42:56
Kieran
Yes. One of my friends. We had a falling out in, like, June, so even before I went to college, and then in December, we, like, reconnected and talked through a lot of stuff. And I've known him since seventh grade. Like, he is one of my best friends. Like, I love him more than life itself. So that helped a lot because now I had, like, two people, like, in my back pocket. Like, and he is doing an automotive program. And so he's like. He was, like, 15 minutes from my dorm. So, like, if anything were to happen, like, I had someone who could get to me who knew who I was prior to college.

43:30
Julia
Yeah.

43:30
Kieran
Who I could count on because Sarah's, like, 45 minutes away, so it's like, she obviously didn't have a car. Like, you know, so that helped a little bit. But I was still seeing my therapist, but my therapist didn't really know what to do because. Not really my. In my psychiatrist, because I'm on meds. I'm not gonna give you more meds because you're not depressed because of your. Like, because you have depression, but you're depressed because of the circumstances that you're in. And so it's like. It's not a medication issue. It's like a working through it issue.

43:55
Julia
Yeah.

43:55
Kieran
If that makes sense. Then we get to spring semester, and spring semester was better. My classes kind of sucked first semester. I was like. I talked about this before, but I got Fs on almost every single exam I took. I got a literal F. Yeah. I still passed all of my classes. I think I got, like, a. My grades were, like, BB plus, A minus, A, A plus. Like, it wouldn't. That things were fine. Like, I was not failing. I had, like, a 3.5 GPA or something. Like, all was well, but it was just, like. It was. It was rough. And then spring semester started. It was better. My classes were better because my classes weren't, like, studying. It was like, writing papers, which I just find easier Than, like, exams. So classes were fine.

44:32
Kieran
I think I got, like, all A's, A pluses that semester. So it was great. My friends were getting better because now I was starting to develop things a little bit more. Like, I was, like, I was starting to finally have those relations with people. And then you texted me asking to go get Indian food. And I texted everyone in my life, like, I kid you not. I called my mom. I texted Brady. I said, oh, my God. She asked me to hang out with. I'm go do something, and we're going to get food. And I don't know what's going to happen, but I really hope we're friends. Like, I want to be your friend so badly. Like, so badly. And I also wanted touch on this, too. You talked about a minute ago how you're really proud of your body.

45:05
Kieran
Like, and that's something that's really, like, that's who you are. I have always had really big issues with my body because, like, all of my friends growing up have always been thinner. Like, everyone in my life was very much thinner. I just come from a background where, like, curvy is a little bit more of the standard. My brother's got, like, the high metabolisms. My mom, like, is very, like, got that hourglass going. So, like, being friends with you taught me to love myself more because you were so confident in your body. Like, I've, like, I said, like, I don't own a pair of shorts. I don't. I hate it. I don't like it. I don't like the way it feels. Like, I wear graphic tees and yoga pants every day. And I still do, and that's fine. Like, I've. I've grown to accept it.

45:44
Kieran
But, like, you obviously wear, like, real outfits and, like, fashion is a really big thing for you. And, like, hanging out with you taught me how to love myself more because very similar body types in a lot of ways. And so, like, when I went to your house for the first time over spring break, and you were just like, let me show you this outfit I got. And you're like, we're just, like, changing and, like, showing each other, doing a fashion show. Like, I felt the most girls girl that I've ever felt in my whole life because it was so just like, there was nothing. We were just, like, putting on clothes and trying things on. And, like, it was so just like, that, like, taught me to love myself so much more because.

46:16
Kieran
Because, like, I've never had a friend or known anyone who looked similar to me. Like, Obviously, we're not the exact same. And, like, all right, you're a little more. You're like, you're a little thin. Like, I'm a little fuller in a lot of ways. But, like, you're, like, you're so beautiful. And it was so amazing. Like, I was just. But it was just, like, it was so, like, that helped so much. Like, wait, let me.

46:37
Julia
Let me speak on this, because I, growing up had a lot of. I don't think we're going to get it to a notes app segment, but I feel this is a very productive conversation. I agree. I, growing up, had a lot of issues with my body for the same reason I. The way that my family is. There's a lot of emphasis on being skinny is being healthy, but that is not my truth. Like, I am healthy. Yeah. And I'm not skinny. And I. And it took me a while to, like, be confident in my body. Like, took me a really long time. But in the past few years, I've gotten really confident. And I, like, am not ashamed of the way that I look, and I'm not ashamed of being sexual. Yeah.

47:15
Julia
Do you know, I, like, I feel like society, like, teaches, like, women that look like us, that, like, we, like.

47:21
Kieran
The only way to look beautiful is by putting your things out, like, on display. Like, I feel like I was only. Like, I only felt like people would comment on how I looked in a. A nice way when it was, oh.

47:31
Julia
My gosh, girl, like, your boobs are so big.

47:34
Kieran
Like, your. Oh, your butt looks good. I actually, one of my nicknames in high school was the girl with the butt. Like, right. There was a lot of people, like, and obviously, like, thank you. But, like, I had friends who, like, I actually have, like, I have this friend who had a girlfriend, and I was, like, talking to him because we had a class together, so we always sat together in class. It was like a group of us. And his girlfriend had come in to, like, give him something. She's like, oh, my God, you're friends.

47:56
Julia
With the girl with the butt.

47:57
Kieran
And I was like, oh, what?

48:01
Julia
Right, What?

48:06
Kieran
So, like, I only ever felt good when I was wearing tighter clothes, because that's when I thought that, like, that was the only way that I ate.

48:11
Julia
Because you have to look. You have to look skinny and for us to do that. It means to wear tighter clothes.

48:15
Kieran
Yeah.

48:16
Julia
But, like, so I. But I kind of, like, a little bit opposite from that. I, like, never, like, I was always like, I can't wear stuff like that or look sexy because I'M just not. Because I'm not skinny. I just could never be sexy. I can't be pretty because I'm not skinny. So it took me years to, like, get out of that mindset and, like, start, like, do, like, cutting my hair in a way that I liked, or I got into makeup and I love doing my makeup. It's, like, fun for me. And it, like, is, like, part of my routine. I mentioned that, like, I'm very routine, so I have to do my makeup every day because that's what it, like, it makes me get up out of my bed.

48:47
Kieran
Yeah.

48:48
Julia
So, like, and then I started dressing and, like, finding my style, which, let me tell you, there are a lot of outfits that. It took me a while, but I'm here now. I'm slaying. So, like, I don't know. It took me a while to be the way that I am. And, like, on my Instagram, I post a lot of pictures of myself and my body, and I'm not, I, like, am not ashamed of the way that I look. And I'm so proud of myself for being that way. I, like, am not scared to post my body and I'm not scared to post in, like, baggy clothes, because I can still wear baggy clothes even though I love. Right.

49:18
Kieran
Like, I'm learning to love sweatpants. Right.

49:21
Julia
Like, I don't have to show off my curves to be pretty or to look cool or to, like, have a cool outfit. Like, I, I, I can just be. And that's okay and that's good. And I'm still, like, beautiful and.

49:35
Kieran
Like, you are beautiful in everything anyway.

49:39
Julia
So that, yeah, my body. Yeah.

49:42
Kieran
Yeah. So it just meant a lot to me because, like, I, I still do. Like, I have a lot of body issues. Gotta work through that.

49:48
Julia
Right? I have days where I'm just like, wow, I've actually never looked worse than I do in this moment. And I'll never look better. So.

49:53
Kieran
But it just, like, I, like, I finally started to learn to, like, also, like, wearing the tight clothes. Like, I liked it, but I didn't like it enough because I was like, this is the only time I ever get compliments or the only time that I, like, get attention is when I'm wearing stuff that's either a little bit lower cut or a little bit tighter during a nicer bra or I'm wearing, like, tighter pants or, like, something. And I was like, I just, I can't live like this.

50:13
Julia
Like, right.

50:14
Kieran
I can't. So then I just resorted to only baggy stuff. Because I was like, right. I just. I can't. Like, people need to. Because I was like, I thought the problem was. Well, it was. Problem was also me, like, internally. But, like, I was like, the problem is society. And, like, they just need to learn to love me if I'm wearing sweatpants.

50:26
Julia
Right.

50:26
Kieran
Or yoga pants. So I'm sure that. And then the person who really loves me will love me if I look like that.

50:30
Julia
Yeah.

50:30
Kieran
Which is true, but it's also not the right way to do that. So then I, you know. But again, all that to say is, like, being friends with you obviously has taught me many things, but, like, not a bad way. But, like that one of the big things for me is, like, I finally learned how to love myself more because I finally knew someone who could relate to me in a real way and also looked similar to me.

50:52
Julia
Yeah.

50:52
Kieran
Like, so that meant a lot. But then also, I also didn't have a lot of close female friends growing up. Like, just really, Sarah. So you're like my first really, real close female friends, which is really good for me. But anyways, so all that to say is us becoming friends was really good for me because, like, I finally felt like I wasn't alone because I finally had someone who knew exactly what I was going through on, like, many fronts of life. We related on, like, almost everything. And so things started to get much better for me. But I also just, like, hated being at school. I was like, I want to go home. I want to be done. Like, I just want to enjoy life, like, at home. And I like, I loved working. I loved being at work. Work.

51:28
Kieran
Because I felt like I wasn't at school.

51:30
Julia
That was the only thing I like, I was like, the only thing that makes me want to go back to school is work.

51:34
Kieran
Because it's not school, right?

51:35
Julia
It's like, this is fun. I love our job.

51:37
Kieran
It's fun. No, I love working. Like, I think the other problem for me too is that I was living on campus, which helped in the, like, way that I could get to things quickly. But also, like, I had no separation from school because I was either in class, on the dorm that's on campus, or at work that's on campus.

51:51
Julia
And you can't escape because you don't have a car. So it's like my life is these bricks that surround me.

51:56
Kieran
When I was eating, it was on. On campus. When I was sleeping, it was on campus. When I was resting, it was on campus. When I was working, it was on Campus. Like, I was only on campus all the time.

52:04
Julia
So.

52:04
Kieran
But like I said, like, in high school, since I was doing so much, I was never in the same place. Like, obviously, like, I was always at school from a certain time. And I was always at my sports, like, at a certain time because I. I played sports a lot. Like, a lot of volleyball and stuff like that growing up. But I was always separated. I went somewhere different. I always ate at, like, the lower floor of my house, but I always slept on the top floor of my house.

52:21
Julia
Yeah.

52:21
Kieran
But I didn't do my homework in my room because I wanted that to be separate. So I. I did that in a different room.

52:25
Julia
Like, right.

52:25
Kieran
So it was just like, everything was separated so that I felt like. Like I could rest and I could do whatever I needed to do because those are my designated spaces to do it. Whereas now my whole life was just school. And I hated it. I was like, I don't feel like a real person. I have no personality. I have no idea what I want to do with life. Like, I. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want to. Like, I don't know what I want to eat tomorrow. Like, I don't even know where I want to. Like, I want to. How I'm gonna sleep tonight. Like. Like, obviously I wasn't trying to, but it was just like, I hated everything. Like, it was so awful.

52:51
Kieran
And then I went home and it got kind of worse because it got better in, like, the school front, but worse in the front that of, like, now I was at home living with my family again. So my. Yes.

53:03
Julia
Okay.

53:03
Kieran
So my whole situation had changed once again. And I had no job, Right. Or I had a job. I was coaching volleyball. And I was coming to work, but I was only able at the time to work, like, eight hours a week. So I was only coming to work, like, twice a week. I was taking online classes, which sucked. Don't ever take a five week accounting, of course. Good God.

53:21
Julia
I'll be doing that this summer.

53:22
Kieran
So don't do it. Do not do it. And I could only see, like, two of my friends because the only friends I made here, people who didn't live right in the area, you lived in Wilmington. And obviously I came to visit you multiple times. But my friends that I made here, like, my roommate stuff, they lived like, 45 minutes away. So I could I. If I wanted to see them. It was like, planning it out a little bit. So it was just like, I was stuck with the same. Like, it Was just, like, a high school summer all over again. And weren't really taking a ton of trips with, like, my family. I definitely took a couple. Cause I, like, again, came to see you. I traveled. I went to Europe for the first. No, I went to California. Sorry. Jesus.

53:56
Kieran
I went to California. I'm just a world traveler. I went to California, and I was working. Like, I was constantly, like, doing something, but I just was like, it's a whole nother thing again. Like, I moved because then I moved to my apartment, which is a different place. But now I, like, am so much. I know we're coming close to time. I'm sorry, guys.

54:13
Julia
I feel like, wrap this up, and then we'll have, like, five minutes to say our strategies and, like, what. What saved us? Yes.

54:19
Kieran
I'll go super fast. But my last point is that, like, now I'm doing better because I'm starting to get into the routine of, like, I'm back at work again. But it's a work that I know. Like, it's a work. I have changed my position a few times, like, moving up, which is a great thing.

54:31
Julia
Yay.

54:32
Kieran
But it's obviously new. But it's the same basic principles, right?

54:34
Julia
And same people.

54:35
Kieran
Same people, same place. Like, you know, we've obviously added Drew to the team. Love Drew once more. But it's been a great addition. Like, our office is like a family to me.

54:43
Julia
Like, oh, yeah.

54:43
Kieran
I've never felt so girls. Girl in my life. Like, and, like, that was again, like, I've never had a female friend group. And, like, this is, like, obviously, I'm not, like, the bestest friends with every single person in the office. Just because I. Like, we all have our own lives where it's like, every single time I walked into the office, everyone is, like, everyone is just excited to see us. Everyone's excited to be there. Everyone, like, even on our bad days, like, it's a safe place to because everybody actually cares about each other, and so that's all normal. My apartment, I'm getting settled into, because now it's, like, separated. Like, it's a different space for me. So I love it. I love living on my own.

55:13
Kieran
I love being independent and having my routines, my roommates, overall, you haven't had any problems with them, like, for the most part. Like, guys, please wash the dishes. Love you, though.

55:23
Julia
Xo, xo.

55:25
Kieran
My roommates now. But, like, I clean every Sunday. Like, it's just, like, it's my space. I have people over, and it just feels like I'm Like a home. Like, it just feels like home now. And so, you know, like, I'm. Everything is just better. Like, everything's really hard right now because, like, the amount of work that I have and I work multiple jobs and like, you know, it was just. It's hard. But it's a different kind of hard because now I have the basic strategies and skills, like support systems. I have support systems now within myself, within other people and like, my strategies. So to segue that. What strategies do we suggest for those out there?

56:02
Julia
Well, I, like, I talked about how I was like, I'm not passionate about what I'm doing, blah. But so I. Because I was doing just business, finance because, like, I gotta make money and I like business. I do. But then I. This year I. I added my two minors, which I'm both. I'm very passionate about both of them. Religious studies, obviously. I talk about that all the time. Like, I talked about on the podcast too. I love that. Like, just. It just feeds my soul. And then international studies, I just love talking about that. Like, I, like, it's just so interesting and like, I don't know, whatever. And then now I'm doing human resources, which I. I used to convince myself I couldn't do that because I'm introverted. But come find out, guys, I love to talk and I actually do love people.

56:41
Julia
I just need to recharge and be alone for a little bit every single day. But like, I don't know. So I'm. Now I'm doing things that I'm actually passionate about. And the thing that I think other than like, finding friends and like, putting effort into, like, finding friends, like reaching out to you. The other thing that like, actually saved me was getting back into my hobbies. Like, I. The thing that like gives me my body and my mind energy more than anything else is dancing. And I was not doing that my first semester at school because I didn't have a car, I didn't have any way to get there, and I, like, was so disconnected from it. And that was like, hard for me.

57:16
Julia
But I, like, it didn't clock to me that the reason I was sad was because I'm not doing things that I love. But anyway, spring semester, I got back into dancing. I, like, convinced some of my friends to drive all the way to Carrboro and dance with me sometimes.

57:27
Kieran
Yes, I went to one of those.

57:28
Julia
Yes, you did. Yep. And then when I got back home for summer, I was dancing four times a week. Like, Yep, five times a week. Sometimes, like it just, like, I would go to every single thing ever. I reconnected with all my dance friends. I made new friends. Like, I got back into it. I like, it, like, reignited my passion for it. I was like, I love this. Like, let me learn more about. Then I. Then I was like, I'm gonna start a club at school so I can, like, make sure that I'm dancing and it's on campus so other people can come and, like. And like, I started teaching dance classes. Like, I. I don't know. I just, like, got back into it and it, like, it's something I do solely for fun. Like, it's not. It's not.

58:03
Julia
I don't get paid for it. I, like, don't like, really get anything out of it except that joy of doing. The joy of doing it. Like, it feeds me and in a way that nothing else does. And I think it's important to find something like that to like. Like, don't make your life just school or just friends or just work. You need something that's just fun. No.

58:23
Kieran
And that's how mine was cooking. So I love cooking. I grew up in the kitchen. Like, I was the person whose mom was like, putting me on a stool and was like, pay attention. You know, like, lock in, like, my best memories. Like, I used to pretend that I was on a cooking show and I was little. And so every time it was like a PB and J, I was like, okay, guys, like, welcome back. Today we'll be making a PB and J. You slay m e. There's literal videos of me on my phone for 45 minutes.

58:44
Julia
Like cooking shows. Yeah.

58:46
Kieran
Like, I like, I grew up on cooking shows. Like, I like, that's how I went to bed every night.

58:51
Julia
I love that.

58:52
Kieran
Cake wars or cupcake wars. Chopped. Great British. I actually know someone who was on Chopped. So, you know, anyhow, all that, like, that was for me. And I couldn't do any of that when I was college because I just no kitchen or share it. And I didn't want to buy like, the individual groceries because I didn't have anywhere to put like flour and sugar and salt. Right. I just had to buy, like, already prepared meals. And so when I got into my apartment, like, obviously, like, I talk about I have meal prep, but it's not just because I need the. The convenience of it, but because I love it. I love cooking. I hosted that soup thing and I like, could not have been more happier to like, be making soup. And I love baking.

59:31
Kieran
Like, I love cooking for people every single Winter, we're actually coming up soon on it now. I make over 12 types of cookies with my mom. Not 12, like, six, but we have. But the big number because we make over, like, 200 cookies. And then I would go and I would hand them out to my friends, like, I hope I get some. I'm going to be coming to Wilmington. I hope so. I'll bring some then.

59:48
Julia
Yay.

59:49
Kieran
That was me dropping to Julia for the first time that she needs to make space for me in winter break.

59:53
Julia
I will. I will. Don't worry.

59:54
Kieran
Okay.

59:54
Julia
We'll talk.

59:56
Kieran
So, like, and I finally get to do that now. And, like, I could not be happier because I, like, I love cooking for people. I love, like, making dinner. I love cooking for myself. I love, like, all of the seasonings and seeing how it will taste when you, like, do something different. And like, how like. Like, just cutting and, like, being in control. And it's just like, I love cooking. And so, like, that's how I, like, got to do my hobby again. Was, like, going back to the basic things. Right. I think something else that helped for me, too, was actually routines. Like, yes, obviously, we're routinely people, but, like, for me, the small things of, like, I got dressed in the same way every single morning. I got, like. You know, I walked to my classes in the same exact route. I ate.

01:00:35
Kieran
Like, when I got things from the dining hall, I went in the same order to grab my stuff. I got the same things because those were just the things that I liked. Like, you know, like, sitting in, like, the same. You sat in the same seat in the dining room every single time. Like, I, like, my routine. And the days helped because it felt like I was like, oh, this is just. This is just a Tuesday. Like, this is what I do. Like, that's my life. Like, I felt more like this is who I am because that's just what I do every week. Like, that's my routine. Like, so that definitely helped a lot.

01:01:01
Julia
For me.

01:01:01
Kieran
And I think my last point that I want to make before we hop off. Well, two things. One, that it's okay to struggle in college. Everybody talks about how the first year of college is, like, the best. Like, best four years of your life. Like, and it's the best years not because you aren't sad, but because you grow into such.

01:01:22
Julia
Right.

01:01:23
Kieran
A different person.

01:01:24
Julia
You learn who you are.

01:01:25
Kieran
That is why it's the best four years. Not because of your emotions, but because of your development.

01:01:29
Julia
Yeah. And I know that's right.

01:01:33
Kieran
I'm sorry. Such a Different person who I was in August and in the best ways I have not. I've developed obviously probably not the most amazing habits, like eating ice cream like four times a week. But I developed a great habit if I walk four miles a day, so it cancels out. Should I still be doing it? No. But I'm not like putting myself in a worse place because I'm eating really bad food.

01:01:52
Julia
Right.

01:01:52
Kieran
But I'm walking as well. And I like, you know, like, it's. College is really hard. Like college is really hard. And like everybody the first year was like, oh my God, I love college. Everything's great. Like it kind of sucks. I have to do exams. But like, haha, like I love college. And I was like, college sucks. Like, I don't want to be here.

01:02:08
Julia
I can't take care of myself. I need something.

01:02:10
Kieran
I don't want to tell anyone that because I was like, well, it's supposed to be greatly.

01:02:14
Julia
Know how to do every single thing and like, not worry about feeding myself. Yeah.

01:02:17
Kieran
Like, and like everyone I was around, like all the freshmen I was meeting, like, oh my God, this is awesome. Like I finally can do whatever I want. I can stay up and like, because I was so much more independent and I had a good relationship with my parents, like, I was already doing all of those things. Right. So I was like, I was at the point where I was like, I don't want to be in school. I just want to work. Like, I just want to be done. Like, I just want to be out of here. Like, this sucks. I feel like I'm stuck in a cage. But for everyone else, they felt like they were finally free. And so all I have to say is like, it's okay if it sucks. Like it will.

01:02:41
Kieran
Like October, September is the worst month of every single college year. Because yes, that's the first midterms of fall semester. Like, it sucks, is awful. But it only really unless like out of outside of the outside, like variables.

01:02:57
Julia
Right.

01:02:57
Kieran
Only gets better.

01:02:58
Julia
Yeah. Like you learn and you grow like continuously. And that's like the hard things are teaching you how to like get through them and then you've become stronger and are able to like be more confident moving forward. Like that's what happened to me. Like, I put in all that work to like, get better. And now I'm more confident that I can do it again if I need to, which I probably will. Yay. But yeah, like, it just, it's. It is hard. But you learn so much and you learn who you are. And, like, you also change a lot. Like, such is the nature of life.

01:03:30
Kieran
You know, and that's just how it is.

01:03:32
Julia
And that's just it.

01:03:32
Kieran
And that's what I. Yeah. So my last tip, and then I promise I'll stop, is to make sure that you're following us on our Instagram @TWTS pod. All jokes aside, our podcast is supposed to be a safe. Where we talk about. A safe place where we talk about all the things that are not exactly talked about and. Or to be those, like, older sisters with advice. So even if you're here for a conversation, you're here for a pastime. You're here for whatever. We are here to hopefully make that mental health journey a little bit easier for you.

01:04:01
Julia
Yes. Because we have been through it.

01:04:02
Kieran
We have been there. We could talk about this. I could talk about this for another time.

01:04:05
Julia
Oh, yeah. Anybody wants to talk about it, hit me up. I'll talk about it as long as you want.

01:04:08
Kieran
But I do think that following a on the Instagram @TWTS pod and on our individual accounts linked in our Instagram bios would be a great starting point for you. I would have to agree, because, you.

01:04:18
Julia
Know, oh, we're here to tell you.

01:04:20
Kieran
The truth because they don't always get it right.

01:04:22
Julia
Bye, guys.
Therapy, I Barely Know Her (Actually We Know Her R...
Meeting created at: 3rd Nov, 2025 - 2:16 PM